A Desolate Disease

#MyThursdayThing 

The cases of Covid-19 in the country are on the rise. As the lockdown begins to lift, everyone’s probability of getting infected has also dramatically risen. Some people who have no other option carry their sanitizers and their masks and venture out with the hope of coming back home safe. Those who have an option are staying put at home because it is better and safer that way. Covid-19 may not be that fatal but it definitely is a very depressing disease.

I stayed in my home (Kanpur) till I was 18 and then left for higher studies. In the period that followed I stayed with my aunt, then as a paying guest, then all by myself, etc, at different places in different situations. I missed home, my parents and grandparents often, but most of all I missed them when I was unwell. In the discomfort of the illness, the kind words, the care and concern, the company, someone sitting by your side was all I needed and it never came close to what I had experienced at home. My grandmother had been my Florence Nightingale.

My grandmother, though a very stern person, was known to convert into this soft-hearted empathetic caregiver, should anyone at home be unwell.  She would sit by the bedside through the day, checking your pulse or fever and keep checking in at night too. If the temperatures rose high, she would place cold towels on the head, would feed you good, nutritious food, tell stories and even play cards. An otherwise curt, no-nonsense lady had this nurturing side to her that we all adored. As a child I would remember how I secretly loved falling sick. I was never upset that I would not be allowed to play or go to school, because the pampering and attention one would get when unwell was great fun too. To make a confession here, there were times when I thanked God when I got fever because then not only was I saved from homework woes but for a few days no one at home would scold me for anything.

Everyone, when ill wants that extra care. The body is weak, the mind plays games, it is always a good idea then to have company.  Someone who can keep a watch on the illness and its parameters and also chit-chat with the sick when needed.  That’s what caregivers do.

However, Covid-19, is a sadistic and lonesome disease. If a person is suspected to have contracted it or been in areas where infected people may have been, he/she has to isolate himself/herself till the results of the test come out. Isolation or self-quarantine means at home but not in contact with anyone. My friend recently quarantined herself for 14 days when she returned home after doing relief work in a Covid hot-spot. Her daily experience of being all by herself in her room for 2 weeks was something I witnessed closely. Definitely not something I was envious of.

A journalist recently tweeted her experience when she tested positive and had to go into an isolation ward at a Covid centre. There was no AC in the room, only a table fan, no TV and her phone was her only companion. She was given food  and hot water from time to time. There would be a bang on the door, a person in PPE would come, keep the food and water at a distance and leave. Her temperature and other symptoms were regularly monitored. The only time she was allowed out of the ward was for a Covid test. She safely made it to the other side and was discharged when her tests finally came negative. All the time that she was unwell, her phone and video calls with her family were the only love and care she received. 

However, if a person with co-morbidities and/or weak immune system gets Covid-19, the option most likely would be hospitalisation, ICU, maybe ventilator and who knows whether he/she would survive. What happens in this scenario? The family members drop the patient at the hospital and then don’t know when they can meet him/her again or whether they will meet again. For the patient everything happens in a click, no one gets time to say goodbyes and they don’t even know if they will come out of the place. Since the fatality rate is low, most make it to the other side but with an experience that is likely to change them forever.

If you get hunted down by Covid-19, you fight it out all alone! No physical support, love, presence of any of your loved ones… a very, very scary situation to be in.  Therefore I call Covid-19 more of a desolate/lonely disease then a dreaded disease.

 

In my mind I would definitely not like to be in this situation nor want to see any of my loved ones there. So my mantra, have haldi and adrak (turmeric and ginger) water, exercise, paint, listen to music and stay at home. No point, stepping out and risking, if not for anything for the sake of the love and nurturing that I missed so much when I was unwell and away from home. My grandmother’s love and nurturing was at another level but anything close to that kind of attention will also not be available at all, at home or at hospital to anyone whatsoever.

If you get Covid-19, the recovery there on will be a desolate journey. Something that I am prepared for in my head but do not wish it on myself or anyone… Staying home and staying safe maybe the best option we all have.

©shubhra

#4  June 18, 2020

#MyThursdayThing will be published every Thursday, on my blog https://shubhrathoughts.blogspot.com/  and shared on my social media handles.

How are you?

#MyThursdayThing

At the start of the lockdown I got a call from a friend, “Hello! How are you?” “Fine”, I said. He further asked, “So what is keeping you busy in lockdown and how are you coping?” Listening to his concerned voice, I admitted that my days were full of chores and my mind full of anxiety. I have no money coming in and I am not even able to paint. He quickly responded, “That’s the case with all of us, this is what all of us are facing, you are not the only one.” I made a mental note, true; I am not the only one, better not to speak on this topic. We spoke a bit more about the Corona numbers, the news and status across the world, the fact that there was no liquor at home and ended the conversation. I decided, not to talk of my inner anxieties to anyone because each and every one of us is going through something similar.

As the countrywide lockdown that was enforced to stop the spread of Corona Virus, began, I was edgy and confused. More than the lockdown and the virus, it was the uncertainty about our future and the horror of the disease that was worrying me. My classes had stopped, all my offsite art retreats were in abeyance and obviously these were not the times when you could showcase your work or sell some art. Things had come to a standstill like they had for most of us. Being paranoid due to the disease, extra safety and cleanliness measures meant extra work. Half the time would go in cleaning surfaces, washing everything 10 times and still not sure if we were safe. With domestic help being away, the chores of the house (though shared between my sister and me) added to the work and fatigue as well. The whole day would go in these chores and whatever was left I would try to paint, to release some pent-up emotions. I was definitely not in a balanced frame of mind like many others but there was nothing one could do except to reconcile to the fact that this is how it will be now for the foreseeable future.

That day my conversation with my friend made me realize that this anxiety was something I had to deal with alone and I can’t really talk about it. No one has the bandwidth to listen. So my standard response to how are you during the Covid crisis has become…“Same as everyone else, coping, some days are good some days are not…” This satisfies most people because it resonates with them…some days good and some days bad.

I realize that we are concerned about the well-being of the others but seldom do we—including me—go beyond this. We don’t have the bandwidth to engage and listen. Yes…we just don’t listen. We don’t have the bandwidth to listen because we are always preoccupied in our own world. We ask, “How are you?” but never listen to the reply.

Recently my best friend has been going through a really, really rough patch in her life. When it began, we spoke over a few chat messages to figure out what was wrong and then I sent her a message that I am here whenever you wish to talk. She did call after a couple of days and spoke about all that was happening, and I listened. My mind was worked up. While listening to her, I was forming my own opinions and views and what I would have done, and what she should do and what she should say, etc. I was very tempted in between to tell her a few things that were crossing my mind. However, I somehow just managed to stay quiet and listen. Very angry at the people who had put her in trouble and at life itself, feeling her trauma inside, I just kept quiet and told her that she could call me anytime she wanted to talk. I, however, shared my anger at this situation with my sister. In turn, she said, tell her this, tell her that…I just replied…now is not the time to speak; now is the time to just listen. She is going through this situation and she has to deal with it herself, I have to just be there and listen to her. 

Before this incident, it had never occurred to me that how the simple act of listening and not spurting out any instructions or judgment can be so therapeutic, not only for the one who is talking but also for the one who is listening. The act of listening actually means emptying out your mind, letting go of your pre-conceived notion and listening to the unique situation, story, problem that the other person is sharing with you. Even if you have gone through something similar, it will still stay ‘similar’, but not exactly the same. Two different people will have two different stories and experiences. They can never be the same. Listening means being a part of someone as they trust you with their feelings, thoughts or circumstances. 

But do we listen? I am not sure. I am not sure of myself too. I intend to, but do I listen? We hardly have it in us to give away all our thoughts, judgments and views, blank out the mind that is occupied with our issues and fill it with what the other person needs to share with us. We are all so busy dealing with our own stories and situations. We are all looking for people who will listen to us because we want to speak.

We ask, “How are you?” and often the answer is a standard, “Same, some good some not so good”, it sounds familiar to our own world and we move on…

© Shubhra
#2  June 4, 2020

#MyThursdayThing will be published every Thursday, on my blog https://shubhrathoughts.blogspot.com/  and shared on my social media handles.