#MyThursdayThing
It is the third week of September, almost the
end of the month and I know that I am already booked till mid-November, which
is around Diwali. Post that another 45 days and we have the end of the year.
Where did the time go? Where did this 2020 go?
Life these days
is booked in advance. Each day is lived as per the scheduled meetings,
assignment deadlines or self-assigned goals. Each day has already been planned,
way in advance for most of us. For me, I know between classes, art deadlines,
miscellaneous tasks and Diwali, my time will all vanish. I am even hoping to
take a break post-Diwali. In a year like 2020 where everything can be divided
into two phases pre-Corona and post-Corona, to imagine that you are still
planning—a break, new classes, new assignments and even Diwali—seems so unreal.
But plan you must, how else will you book a ticket or book a class or work on
an assignment deadline? So plan we must.
When I started Vacation
Hues (art retreats led by me) last year, I was advised that I should plan my
retreats for the entire calendar year as it makes it easier for people to
decide when they can take their arty break. So I got my act together for 2020
and my first Vacation Hues was in Goa in January, the second one I was in Delhi
in February and the next ones were planned for the hills in April around the
long weekends. I already had plans of where I would go in the summer and
monsoon months and so on. October 2020, I was supposed to have had a solo show
of my paintings at the India Habitat Centre, the booking for which had been
confirmed in 2019. However, we all know what happened post March 2020.
When a friend of mine received my Vacation Hues
alerts last year, he told me he wanted to take a family break with his wife and
son and planned to attend my retreat during the summer vacations. However, at
the end of April 2019, one Saturday evening while standing in his balcony,
having his evening drink, he had a massive cardiac arrest and died instantly. I
didn't know about his retreat plans till many months later, when his wife told
me about it and how she was keen on fulfilling his wish. She kept planning to join
one of my retreats with her son, but the school holiday schedule never matched.
At last, she had almost booked herself in the April 2020 Vacation Hues that was
scheduled to happen in Satkhol. But alas…
Yet, we have to plan, because if we don't, then a
lot cannot be done. Everything can’t happen on an impulse. There are bookings
and tickets to be done, there are deals to avail, work to be planned, life to
be planned and yet we don't know what tomorrow will be like. So what do we do?
Do we plan or not? Should we invest in that house for which we have to pay an
EMI for the next 20 years when I don't know if I will have my job tomorrow?
Should I continue living in a rented house and after 20 years realise that I
paid more rent then I would have paid in an EMI? There are no answers to these
questions. There are simply no straight answers.
I was seeing a guy once who had huge commitment
phobia. Whenever I talked of the future he would tell me “who has seen tomorrow,
let’s live in the ‘here and now’. You are with me and I am with you today, and
let's enjoy this moment.” I believed him because my heart wanted to believe him
but it was short-lived because he really never had an intention of taking it
far. So, at some point of time that ‘here and now’ ended and the tomorrow did
come. A tomorrow when he was not a part of my life, when I woke up alone in
that tomorrow, when my heart tore at places like an old muslin cloth and it was
so difficult to just hold it together. At that point in time, I thought about
those days when I was preempting this moment. The man was telling me that I was
worrying about things that had not even happened. So what do we do? Isn’t there
a constant struggle between living in the present and planning for the future?
How much is too much planning?
I feel people are forever living and balancing
the tightrope of living in the present, enjoying the ‘here and now’ with an eye
on tomorrow. They plan towards tomorrows, meeting deadlines, taking up
assignments, building dreams and having hope. Every time something unfortunate
strikes in the today they realise the futility of it all, how they have no
control over today or tomorrow or even the next moment. I was thinking of all
this today because I hadn't realised only 3 months are left for this year to
finish, of which the next 45 days are taken and at the same time, given the
COVID-19 situation, I have no idea what the next week is going to be like, what
tomorrow is going to be like. Yet, I have no option but to plan and look ahead.
This everyday balancing between today and the distant future is extremely
draining. This fatigue takes a toll for sure.
Am I the only one feeling claustrophobic at this
act of balancing that has become the story of our times? I do not have an
answer. Maybe you who is reading this may have an answer. For now, I am happy
that I am in a situation where I have too much work, too much to do, and I am
busy. As compared to a situation where I would have no work and nothing to do.
In these pandemic times, we need to be careful and we need to be grateful for
whatever we have. The lockdown time allowed us to think, ponder and reflect on
where we are and where we wish to go. To make our to-do lists or live one day
at a time, to plan or to just let it all unfold… Today's blog post is a result
of one such reflective moment of mine.
Photoart by Shubhra Chaturvedi
At such times, I imagine myself many years from now, and tell my future, successful self, “you are there because I survived here.”
©Shubhra
#13, September 24, 2020
#MyThursdayThing will be published every other Thursday,
on my blog https://shubhrathoughts.blogspot.com/ and shared on my social media handles.
Food for thought indeed! As the old adage goes “Man proposed, God disposes!”
ReplyDeleteKeep writing.
Man proposes, God disposes! And sometimes autocorrect! 😅
ReplyDeleteHa ha... yes autocorrect is another of God's ways to dispose... thank you...
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