50 Years and counting…

Their match was arranged.  They did not meet or even see each other before their wedding. Even on the day of the wedding, they did not see each other as my mother had a long ghoonghat  (a veil that all brides were supposed to adorn). They first met two days after the wedding when they reached my father’s house.

My parents come from a time when marriages were fixed considering the household more than the boy and girl themselves. “Rishta pakka ho gaya, ghar kafi achcha hai, achche log hain, ladka bhi  achcha hai” is a familiar phrase especially for people from the older generation. That was the priority list of fixing matches in those days. Both my grandfathers were men of repute in their communities. My paternal grandfather was a learned man, an engineer and professor of engineering by profession and a scholar of history, philosophy, literature by choice.  A self-made man coming from a humble background.  My maternal grandfather on the other hand was a hard-working man, self-made, took care of a large family. Both the grandfathers had lost their fathers at an early age and both of these were raised, and guided by the elder siblings or uncles. Both knew the value of giving, of kindness, of extending help and of education.  Therefore when suggested by a common aunt both readily agreed to the marriage of their children.

My mother and father got married on a cold winter night of 21^st January 1972. The Bangladesh liberation war had just ended in December 1971. Both houses have tales of how they prepared for the wedding hiding under tables with a candle lit faintly as the blackout sirens would go off.  My mother’s sister, my aunt got married on the same day. It was common those days, two weddings in one setup.  The wedding happened in Gwalior, my mother’s town and she came to Kanpur, my father’s city. In Gwalior, her house was much smaller than the house she went to in Kanpur.  She recalls how she got lost on her 1^st morning in the house because she didn’t realize who led her where on the evening she arrived.  As she sat on the stairs unable to find her way, my aunt and her sister-in-law came to her rescue.

She was only 20 years old when she got married and my father was 24. They meandered into the institution of marriage and their journey culminates into 50 years of togetherness, today. In these 5 decades, they went through a million challenges, coming from very diverse backgrounds adjusting to each other’s tastes and personalities were the most challenging of these. In the initial years, as is usually the case or was in those days, more adjustment happened from my mother’s side.  My grandparents were more aristocratic in their living than what my mom was used to and adjusting to those rules was the foremost on her plate.  In this story of adjustment and readjustment, she found, in her sisters-in-law and my two aunts her perfect friends. More than my father, in the initial years it was my Buas who often came to her rescue and acted as her guide. She developed with them a bond that she cherishes till today. The three of them are a team and best friends. They also are, our local news network in the family. They keep a tab on the well-being of all of us.

 

However, the story of adjustments was not just limited to the household norms or the family rituals. My parents in their personalities were very diverse. My mother was a social magnet, my father was an introvert to the core. My mother loved to sing and dance and my father’s love for music was limited to Kishore Kumar songs. My mother loved to cook, my father would eat only a few things and the same menu day in and day out.  My father was an organized man and my mother had her things all here and there. My mother then was docile and my father was known for his temper. However, they did unite over the love for old Bollywood movies.  But then they did change and how…

In these 50 years, the two of them became 8. They had three daughters, one son-in-law and two grandchildren.  My father learned to be a little more social. If mother would ask him to go out with her 10 times, he would say no 8 times but then she would be able to convince him the remaining two times. At the start, the ratio would be 0-10, then improved to 2-10 and today the ratio is almost 9-10. He has accepted my mother’s way and realized that it is important to meet people and socialize. My mother also learned that my father does not enjoy everyone’s company so she made her little groups and learned to do her things when my father was not interested. My father got a little more experimental with food and my mother tried to get a bit organized but hasn’t gained much in that area. The biggest change however that we girls witnessed was, how my father mellowed down his temper and how my mother learned to voice her opinions and become a bit more assertive.   In the growing-up years when they would fight, with my father dominating the argument most of the time I would often wonder (siding with my mother most of the time) if this is what marriage is all about? Today when I see my father and mother looking out for each other in their daily life, like my father sorting out the medicines for my mother each day post breakfast, my mother making the besan barfi or chole bhatoore for my father the way he likes, is when I realise maybe this is what marriage is all about.

We three have inherited a lot of things from our parents but each one in a very different way. I have inherited from my mother her social skills. My sisters, Shachi and Shruti have inherited their introvert nature from my father.  Love for food and spices and cooking has been inherited by all of us  from  our mother and so has a love for music and dance. Like a friend says that “kalakari tum behno ko virasat mein mili hai” (You sisters have inherited art). Organization of papers, clothes, finances is what we have inherited from our father. While our mother’s influence has been in the sphere of art, food, gardening my father instilled in us the value of helping the needy, the virtue of kindness and the two of them always taught us how we need to be there for people known or unknown. My parents would be the first people to be there whenever there was any kind of a situation with family, friends and extended social circle. It is these virtues that stood us in good faith as we left our home and pursued our careers and paved our way in this world.

My mother is 70 years old and my father 74 and as they complete 50 years of companionship we are only thankful for whatever we got from them. Unconditional love, good values, education and most of all a good way of living life. 

These two years have been full of anxiety, with the advent of the coronavirus, with respect to old people. We had intended to throw a big party to celebrate this milestone anniversary, just like how my mother would like, surrounded by loved ones. However with what life has been these two years, all such celebrations have been postponed to a future date and instead, we intend to celebrate just being together,  being well and being alive.

Cheers, dear papa and mummy to 50 and many many more…  :-)

© Shubhra 

#16 January 20, 2022

#MyThursdayThing is published every other Thursday, on my blog 
https://shubhrathoughts.blogspot.com/ and shared on my social media handles.

 

Happy 2014 it was and happy 2015 it will be...

As another year went by, I sat down  to ponder on how the year faired. The tasks left undone, the accomplishments, the failures and the success all started flashing through my mind...  It's then I realised that what's important to savour are the experiences and not so much the annual to do list.

So I decided to recall my various experiences both  direct and indirect.

2014 gave me my biggest project till date,  another stepping stone.  A project that made me come out as a  stronger person.  I saw dreams coming true and  friends and relationships falling apart. I saw money taking control of people and their behavior. I also had friends bailing me out of the crisis.  I saw the joy of work well done on the faces of the labourers and I felt the muscles strain in the effort to meet deadlines.

The year made me cross my comfort zone and made me do work I had never attempted before.  It made me experiment and it saw me out-perform my earlier work.  I also connected with many new kids.  Passionate about art and totally fun to be with.  It had me teach art to moms who had their plate  full but wanted to vent creatively.

While I felt the joy of playing the piano again,  I missed my vocal lessons as my guru became too frail now to sing. I had the joy of growing my own vegetables and see little tomatoes...  And I also felt pain when my 10 year old plant just died... 

I  attended a wild Bachelorette party where almost every one let their hair down... And painted the town (read Hyderabad) red with my girl friends...

In 2014 I lost a few old friends,  people I had been with for years. With reasons not clear best course of action was to move on...  Beginning of the year saw me through the roller coaster of first finding  and then letting go of someone who was perceived to be my soul mate for last 22 years. Alas what's not meant to be is not meant to be...

They say that when a door closes another opens.  I met new people and I experienced the joy of reconnecting with school mates  from kanpur. The joy of talking  about the days gone by was priceless. 

This year I also vicariously went through a lot.  Joys,  sorrows and ecstasy...  A knee surgery and painful  recovery... A  birth of boy child... Managing the tantrums of a 2 year old  who was visibly upset at the entry of  the little brother in her life... An adoption of a girl... And even taking the plunge to tie the knot.  Each of these life changing event I witnessed and lived them closely. 

I lost my favorite uncle and felt my aunt's loss of a partnership that had lasted 57 years.

I ran marathons and kept bettering my record. I walked and I cycled. I  baked and cooked and experimented with the spices. I tried hard to diet and through some I was a success and somewhere else a failure.

Be it my own or others from all the experiences one thing I realised that everyone goes through their own shit. Some find  others lose.  Some lose their love,  other their spouse,  some their parents and other their siblings.  Some lose their pets and some their jobs.  And almost everyone tries to lose weight.

In 2014 I saw the high and low,  I lost and found,  I surged ahead and often staggered.  I lacked discipline but not determination.  I lost heart but never hope. I cried a lot but laughed even more. 

With joy in my heart and determination in mind I surge ahead to welcome the year 2015 with another annual to do list.  Tasks I'd like to  complete,  projects  to undertake,  places to visit,  people to meet  but keeping in mind to focus on and savour all the experiences big and small and good and bad alike...  Happy 2014 it was and I hope happy 2015 it will be...

(c) shubhra
January 4,  2015