To do (list) or not…

#MyThursdayThing

It is the third week of September, almost the end of the month and I know that I am already booked till mid-November, which is around Diwali. Post that another 45 days and we have the end of the year. Where did the time go? Where did this 2020 go?

Life these days is booked in advance. Each day is lived as per the scheduled meetings, assignment deadlines or self-assigned goals. Each day has already been planned, way in advance for most of us. For me, I know between classes, art deadlines, miscellaneous tasks and Diwali, my time will all vanish. I am even hoping to take a break post-Diwali. In a year like 2020 where everything can be divided into two phases pre-Corona and post-Corona, to imagine that you are still planning—a break, new classes, new assignments and even Diwali—seems so unreal. But plan you must, how else will you book a ticket or book a class or work on an assignment deadline? So plan we must.

When I started Vacation Hues (art retreats led by me) last year, I was advised that I should plan my retreats for the entire calendar year as it makes it easier for people to decide when they can take their arty break. So I got my act together for 2020 and my first Vacation Hues was in Goa in January, the second one I was in Delhi in February and the next ones were planned for the hills in April around the long weekends. I already had plans of where I would go in the summer and monsoon months and so on. October 2020, I was supposed to have had a solo show of my paintings at the India Habitat Centre, the booking for which had been confirmed in 2019. However, we all know what happened post March 2020.

When a friend of mine received my Vacation Hues alerts last year, he told me he wanted to take a family break with his wife and son and planned to attend my retreat during the summer vacations. However, at the end of April 2019, one Saturday evening while standing in his balcony, having his evening drink, he had a massive cardiac arrest and died instantly. I didn't know about his retreat plans till many months later, when his wife told me about it and how she was keen on fulfilling his wish. She kept planning to join one of my retreats with her son, but the school holiday schedule never matched. At last, she had almost booked herself in the April 2020 Vacation Hues that was scheduled to happen in Satkhol. But alas…

Yet, we have to plan, because if we don't, then a lot cannot be done. Everything can’t happen on an impulse. There are bookings and tickets to be done, there are deals to avail, work to be planned, life to be planned and yet we don't know what tomorrow will be like. So what do we do? Do we plan or not? Should we invest in that house for which we have to pay an EMI for the next 20 years when I don't know if I will have my job tomorrow? Should I continue living in a rented house and after 20 years realise that I paid more rent then I would have paid in an EMI? There are no answers to these questions. There are simply no straight answers.

I was seeing a guy once who had huge commitment phobia. Whenever I talked of the future he would tell me “who has seen tomorrow, let’s live in the ‘here and now’. You are with me and I am with you today, and let's enjoy this moment.” I believed him because my heart wanted to believe him but it was short-lived because he really never had an intention of taking it far. So, at some point of time that ‘here and now’ ended and the tomorrow did come. A tomorrow when he was not a part of my life, when I woke up alone in that tomorrow, when my heart tore at places like an old muslin cloth and it was so difficult to just hold it together. At that point in time, I thought about those days when I was preempting this moment. The man was telling me that I was worrying about things that had not even happened. So what do we do? Isn’t there a constant struggle between living in the present and planning for the future? How much is too much planning?

I feel people are forever living and balancing the tightrope of living in the present, enjoying the ‘here and now’ with an eye on tomorrow. They plan towards tomorrows, meeting deadlines, taking up assignments, building dreams and having hope. Every time something unfortunate strikes in the today they realise the futility of it all, how they have no control over today or tomorrow or even the next moment. I was thinking of all this today because I hadn't realised only 3 months are left for this year to finish, of which the next 45 days are taken and at the same time, given the COVID-19 situation, I have no idea what the next week is going to be like, what tomorrow is going to be like. Yet, I have no option but to plan and look ahead. This everyday balancing between today and the distant future is extremely draining. This fatigue takes a toll for sure.

Am I the only one feeling claustrophobic at this act of balancing that has become the story of our times? I do not have an answer. Maybe you who is reading this may have an answer. For now, I am happy that I am in a situation where I have too much work, too much to do, and I am busy. As compared to a situation where I would have no work and nothing to do. In these pandemic times, we need to be careful and we need to be grateful for whatever we have. The lockdown time allowed us to think, ponder and reflect on where we are and where we wish to go. To make our to-do lists or live one day at a time, to plan or to just let it all unfold… Today's blog post is a result of one such reflective moment of mine.

Photoart by Shubhra Chaturvedi

Nine out of ten times, things are normal and the regular pace of life goes on, dreams get fulfilled, plans get materialized, assignments get completed and somehow time passes, we survive and live to tell the tale. But it is that tenth incident that leaves you wondering.
At such times, I imagine myself many years from now, and tell my future, successful self, “you are there because I survived here.”

©Shubhra
#13, September 24, 2020

#MyThursdayThing will be published every other Thursday, on my blog https://shubhrathoughts.blogspot.com/ and shared on my social media handles.

… And have learned to be the clay

#MyThursdayThing

After months of deliberation and planning one morning in March 2015, I took the plunge and entered the world of ceramic. As I walked on the plush grounds of Sanskriti Kala Kendra I had no idea what this new world had in store for me. I met my teacher (now friend), Aniruddh, an incredible artist from Bharat Bhawan, Bhopal, who had joined Sanskriti’s Pottery Center as an instructor. The first task he gave me was to wedge a handful of clay and then to make whatever I wished with it. As I shaped and coiled and made slabs of my clay, I was reminded of the childhood days when we played with play-dough. It was a good experience indeed, but only when I sat at the wheel and put that lump of clay on the centre did I realize the world of clay that awaited me. The first feel of clay in my hands on a speeding wheel, me trying to tame it, pulling it and then centering it—all this is etched in my memory for it gave me an insight into a potter’s life. “Ye mat samjho ki tum clay ko centre kar rahi ho, balki dhyan rakho ki ye clay tumko centre kar rahi hai (Don’t think you are centering the clay. In fact, it is the clay that is centering you.)”, said Aniruddh as he helped me. So true this is, for the clay to be centred, the body, the mind, the breath, the entire focus has to be aligned with each other. This was the first and the most important of the several lessons I learnt.

The world of ceramic is very different from the world of painting. I have been painting for many years now. Most of my works generally take shape in my thoughts and then ideas get formed and firmed sometimes in a sketchbook and sometimes straight on a canvas. Layers upon layers and several iterations later, the work finally gets ready. I do not consider it complete until I feel satisfied, and until such time, it stays on the easel. Should an idea come up while the work is in progress, the entire work is capable of being altered. Whenever my students feel afraid to try something new I tell them, “go ahead, try it, it’s just a painting, not life. If you don’t like it, paint over it and start afresh.” However, there is no such luck in any ceramic work. This was the second lesson I learnt.

While centering the clay or throwing* our pots and plates on a wheel is a challenge, it can still be mastered. It is a skill that needs to be acquired, practised and then mastered. Daily throwing and then destroying all that we made was how the first few days on the wheel went. The real challenge is not even ideating what to make or glazing it after it has been bisque** fired. The real challenge is much deeper and much harder. It is to let go of all attachment, all ego and disappointment.

Sculptures by Shubhra Chaturvedi

As a ceramic artist, we face these challenges on a daily basis. The clay needs to be just right—not too dry and not too wet. It needs to have been wedged properly, for if there are air bubbles, the work will crack on firing or may not even throw properly. If the clay centers, the work needs to be thrown properly. If everything goes right, the work is dried and then put through a bisque firing (low-temperature firing).This hardens the work a bit and enables for the glaze to be applied. Post glazing, the final firing is done, which is a 3-4 days’ process. You load the items properly and then start the kiln and keep watching till the temperature reaches the desired reading. Then you wait for 24 hours or more for the kiln to cool down. The most exciting process is when the kiln is opened and you wait to see the result of all that you did from the start point till now. The results often throw in a surprise even for the best of the artists and definitely dramatic ones for all those who are new to this game. When the work goes in the kiln and the glaze reacts with heat, what exactly will happen no one knows. The glazes if not applied properly could melt and the work could be stuck to the bed of the kiln and may also break while taking it out. There could be a lack of oxygen resulting in reduction (which means more carbon inside) and that reduction could lead to different results. There could be cracking of work inside the kiln if the pots were not thrown properly or glazed properly. What all could go wrong is endless. For artists like Aniruddh, who has now been working in clay for more than 25 years or so, the final result can still be predicted. They have now learnt what to do and what not to do for the desired effect. For people like me each time the work comes out of the kiln there is joy and trauma at the same time.

Contrast this with the world of painting where the desired outcome can be controlled and or worked around in case things do not go the planned way. In the realm of the clay world, if something goes wrong, it needs to be destroyed and abandoned and fresh work needs to be done. Not only this, once a painting is finished, it can be packed and stored or hung on a wall. A work in ceramic or stoneware as it is also called, needs to be handled with utmost care all its life, while storing, while exhibiting, while transporting and even when it is bought/sold, with the new owner.

Broken Bowl

A bowl that I made a few years back, one that was perfectly thrown and beautifully glazed and fired, suddenly fell from my hands and broke. Shattered in many pieces and along with it, it shattered my ego, my heart and taught me to let go. I was so disappointed and when I shared it with Aniruddh, he calmly replied, “koi baat nahi tum waise 10 bowl aur bana sakti ho(doesn’t matter, you can make 10 more like that)”. Is this why ceramic artists have no attachment to their creation? They know they can make it again. I wouldn’t know it for sure. There definitely is a formula and if all is done to the T, similar works can be produced. In painting, I doubt if I can replicate my own work again.

So if there is so much risk, pain, uncertainty in working with clay, why do we work in clay? Why are there so many ceramic artists, why are the potters in the village churning out earthenware like matkas, kulhads, surahi, gamla (crock, ewer, cups, planters)etc? I don’t have the answer for all, but for myself and a few I know, working with clay means being connected with the earth. Moulding the clay, shaping the clay to me means shaping a part of me and my world. Looking at the cracks in pots and plates enables me to accept the fragility of art and of life. It also gives me confidence that I can do it again. To break the work if it has got spoilt is the most devastating and yet the most grounding experience an artist, especially a beginner, can go through. On the other hand, the surprise that the kiln offers each time is the biggest joy. To hold in hand a work that sometime back was shaped on a wheel or by hand gives a high that no other intoxication can replace.

However the lessons of detachment, flexibility (to be moulded and shaped) and the endurance (to get fired), that clay teaches are those that stay throughout life and are more deep-rooted in life’s philosophies than the art of ceramic work.

Working in clay always reminds me of Harindranath Chattopadhyay’s lines in his poem Shaper and Shaped …

Bowls by Shubhra Chaturvedi

In days gone by I used to be
A potter who would feel
His fingers mould the yielding clay
To patterns on his wheel;
But now, through wisdom lately-won,
That pride has died away:
I have ceased to be the potter
And have learned to be the clay.

Inspired by these words and my own experiences in my studios, my aim is, to cease to be the painter/potter and learn to be the paint/clay...

©Shubhra
#12,  September 10, 2020

* Throwing: The process when the clay on the wheel is given shape into the desired form
** Bisque firining: A low temperature firing is done prior to final firing to harden the work and enable glazing

#MyThursdayThing will be published every Thursday, on my blog https://shubhrathoughts.blogspot.com/  and shared on my social media handles.

A part of us... Gagan Sardana!!

Yesterday morning at 4 am I woke up to the terrible news about Gagan Sardana. Our dear friend from graduation days was no more. Message exchanges at wee hours actually got home the point. Shell shocked. Our friend, our age, cardiac arrest, just like that gone in a whiff. Impossible but true it was...

The whole day went by in just talking to various friends and sharing each other's grief. Then it struck me. All of us were from a phase in our life where we were together most of the days. Sitting on footpath outside college or in canteen or just going out to various monuments or to someone's house. Teaming up for festivals, having a keen interest in the love lives of each of us... Being a rock support when the love was serious stuff  and leaving no chance to pull leg when it was just a one sided infatuation...  We may not have had one on one equation with all in the group but as a group we all were there for each other...  3 years went past in a jiffy and we all moved on... Life happened and we all got busy in our new ventures... We kept in touch with a few not so much with others...

Cut to many years later when social media happened. Facebook got us all connected. And we caught up with each other. Then WhatsApp happened and the WhatsApp groups... Soon reunions and get togethers were on the card and it was such joy to meet up these friends again. From footpath we graduated to a nice restaurant or pub and sometimes even home. Everyone was busy managing life and schedules and no one really got around to really knowing the real life of another. What is it that is happening with another, barring the close ones we have kept in touch with over the years. However, meeting for those few hours once a year was such a stress buster. We would remember the good old days, crack jokes like the yesteryears. Catch up on friends and news of friends we have not been in touch with and needless to say still bond over food.

Yesterday, news of Gagan's death took away from us all (me for sure) a part of that era. We all grew up together and then suddenly one of us is not there. I realised that how little I knew of Gagan's life, his struggles and his achievements, but I cannot and will not erase the memory of him from college time. His unmatched wit, humour and laughter. He was the entertainment quotient of the group. In fact in all these years if anything was common it was still his wit and entertainment quotient... If he was around we had to roll off laughing. But now he has gone and left us in tears, shocked and numb.

I will remember you Gagan for the way you made us all feel and made us laugh and for your crazy ideas...

Rest in peace my dear friend.

For the rest of us, we stand together and hug each other.  While we all have limited time let us never leave an opportunity to let others know how we feel for them.

shubhra (c) 

29th April, 2019 

Asheeth Monika Nalini Joshi Samir Bhushan Shalini Farah Simrat Judge Venkataraman Balakrishnan Sona Dutta  Agendra Mukul Rohit Kilam Satish Kumar