“Bhay makes Nirbhayaas”

“Bhay makes Nirbhayaas”

We fail to teach our children, especially girls, that it’s not their fault…

When I was a child about to reach the age of puberty, I found myself arguing with my mother. My question was why were my cousins (boys) allowed many things that I was not. These were simple things. Like they could go to see an Amitabh Bachchan movie in the theatre and I could not, not even with them. They could go to the nearby market by themselves but I could not. My mother tried hard to explain rather than just say NO. She started, “Beta it is not safe for girls.” “And it is safe for boys?,” I replied.

“You think someone can kidnap us, but they can kidnap boys too,” I added. My mother replied, “It’s not just about kidnapping…” There was an exasperated look on her face, she did not know how to explain. Finally she said, “It’s different with girls, it’s the way God has made you. Some day you will understand”. Angered and unable to see her logic I stomped out of the room. I had lost the first battle. 

Kanpur was a city known for its rowdy, slimy, sick and uneducated boys and men. Eve teasing was a norm. No girl, no matter what the age, could escape it. Growing up in Kanpur I learnt what it was to be a girl in India. At each step I waged several battles and I lost several of them. Today I am reminded of some of them as I attempt to weave them together to see how and when the problem with women really starts.

Some years later, I went with a friend to get a dress stitched and I got a knee length straight skirt with a coat stitched. All of 15 years, I was thrilled and believed it was the best dress I ever had. My mother however ripped me apart when she saw it. “Tum aise kapde pehan kar rickshaw pe baith ke ghar se bahar jaogi?” (You are going to wear these clothes and step out of house and travel by a rickshaw?) I argued. But in vain. I was never allowed to wear the dress as long as I stayed in Kanpur. I had lost another battle.

I moved to Delhi for my graduation and was on my own for the first time in real sense of the word. Though I lived with relatives but being on the road on my own was a new experience. I was given a list of things to do and not to do by my folks at home. “Don’t venture out in the summer afternoon or after dark,”  “Don’t take lonely, arterial roads,” “Don’t take crowded DTC buses”…  Among all the instructions none said, “Carry a safety pin or a Swiss knife,” or “Shout out loud if someone misbehaves or report to police or at home.” So instead of facing things upfront, and shouting at someone when they pinched, or standing up against eve teasing, I would silently suffer. I would avoid crowded places or when I couldn’t avoid places like the Trade Fair at Pragati Maidan, I would just feel humiliated and come back telling myself that I would not go there again. I never spoke at home for the fear of my freedom being curbed and even more sanctions put on me. By now I had lost so many battles I had lost the count.

After that several times, with known and unknown people, at a friend’s house, on a train from Mumbai to Delhi, at bus stops while waiting for chartered buses and even in the office (where my boss always scanned us up and down before assigning us some task ), numerous instances happened and I suffered all of them. I never had the courage to talk about them for the fear that I would be scolded. “Why did you get up from your seat of the train?”, “Why did you go to your friend’s house so late in the evening?”, “Why were you wearing such tight jeans?” At every step I felt that if I spoke up, my rights would be curtailed further. I chose to suffer for the little freedom that I had earned in all these years.

The last instance in this fabric that I am trying to weave is of a man, (supposedly a friend), who kissed me without my consent. The look on his face, the feeling he left me with…it all hit me only the next day. The first thought that came to my mind was I should have said No to him coming home, “Na wo aata na ye hota” (If he had not come, this would not have happened). This time I suffered but not in silence. I shared it with a friend and with my sisters. All were supportive and asked me to confront the person but I did not have the courage. In my heart, I felt that maybe I had invited it, that I did not choose my friends well. I had lost yet another battle and almost felt like loosing a war.

As women we lose these battles right from childhood. I do not blame my mother or relatives for telling me what they did. We all want safety for ourselves and for our children. Hence we have to tell them to be careful, avoid lonely patches, be aware etc. But what we fail to teach our children, especially girls, is that it’s not their fault. That they can come out and speak and that they should if need be use a pin, a knife, a pepper spray or whatever. For, as parents and as women too, we know that it’s best to stay away as much as we can from the police, lawyers, etc… We know that they are all somehow part of the larger picture. We know that road rage is the in thing and if you kick the male ego once you can always live in fear of being stalked, of acid being thrown at you, of being thrashed or even overpowered and raped…

A statement I have heard every second citizen of this country say to someone, no matter where you live is “Arre bhaiya apni suraksha apne haath, in logon se kya pange lena”(Our safety is in our hands don’t get into trouble with these people). Till this attitude changes, till the time we can’t come out and complain without fear, till the time the oppressors do not have fear of punishment, humiliation, till the time the police and the judiciary are seen as people willing to help rather than in cahoots with the oppressors, more “Nirbhayaas” will happen. Some will cause a ripple, most will go unnoticed and we will feel the pain of each of these and silently think “Oh I got saved today, it could have been me…”

©Shubhra Chaturvedi, 3^rd Jan 2013.

(Shubhra Chaturvedi is an Artist and a Photographer from Delhi)

It Takes Guts to Stand Up: Outrage at Radhika’s Murder

The media, the police and the people at large are protesting at how no one is coming forth to offer some leads on the culprit.

Radhika Tanwar, all of 20 years of age was shot dead on a foot over bridge near her college in broad day light on March 8, 2011, at point blank range. She was with her friends when the culprit came from behind, shot at her and then ran away. As per the news paper reports, her friends who were walking with her fled away and no one even dared to take her to the hospital till a police constable did the needful.

A day later, students of her college and the other colleges are protesting on the streets demanding justice. The Chief Minister visits the family and voices her concerns over the security of women in the city. The ACP of Delhi Police is shouting out loud asking people to come forward and help. The headlines in news papers and television, the facebook updates and the tweets all seem to be blaming the public at large for not coming in front to help the cause of Radhika.

The students who are protesting and blocking the roads in all probability do not include with them the few who were with Radhika when she was on the foot over bridge. The reason is very clear. It’s easier to march to India Gate and light candles, initiate a Facebook cause but it really takes guts to stand up against the system, the goons and the mighty that have the power of money and the bullets with them. The police really cannot ensure fool proof protection to any such person who stands up. Not because the police cannot, but because the goons in such case are mightier then the constable who is guarding the house of the witness. It has been proven many a times and quite often true that many of the people in the system are bought over by the mighty and then all pleas for justice fall on deaf ear.

I write this today because I wonder what I would have done in this situation. My head and heart tells me that I would have come out and spoken. But what if I get a phone call in the middle of the night, “your parents live in Bhiwadi, they are old and alone……” or “we know what time your sister leaves the house and where she goes exactly…” This may sound dramatic, but I guess that’s how the threats are. Would I still have the guts? Can I afford to risk my parent’s life and security? These questions will definitely come to my mind. I really do not know what kind of courage it takes to still stand against all odds. But I do know only one in a thousand have that courage.

The two examples of what I am saying are from two cases that were in news recently. Jessica Lal and Ruchika Ghirhotra. While in Jessica’s case the witness all backed off due to the fear of the bullet. I remember a dialogue from the recent movie, “No one killed Jessica”, where one of the witness (Shyan Munshi) who turned hostile said, “I did not want Rs 1 crore but I also did not want a bullet”. In Ruchika’s case on the other hand, her friend Aradhna Prakash showed exemplary courage in standing against the mighty and powerful, Rathore. As per the reports in her case, one can see the harassment Ruchika and her family faced for complaining and how upon her suicide, her friend Aradhana and her family relentlessly kept at it to see that the guilty be punished. How many ARADHANA’s are there today?

The failure therefore is not in people’s mindset. The failure is largely on account of the law-order and justice system. A person who has a gun in his hand has the confidence that he will get away. It will be ages before he is caught, if he is he will get bail. Even after being charged, he has the money to hire big lawyers and who knows maybe influence the judges too. So the mindset is that if one has a Godfather, a gun and loads of money power, he/she can get away with murder. The mindset of the people who do not have money and power is different. Most of them are honest and want to fight injustice but lack the courage to fight against the mighty. They know that tomorrow it could be their daughter in Radhika’s situation, but they still fear that if they stand up today, tomorrow they will surely be in a situation similar.

So till the time somehow the police and judiciary come out clean and give the mighty the message that despite of your gun and money, you can still be hanged, they will continue on their criminal spree. The public at large will continue to face the dilemma: To stand up or not; To think of your loved ones or to think of the larger issues; To think of your life ahead or to risk it being wasted in coutrs.

We definitely need more Aradhnas and we need no Shayan Munshis but till then let us take a heart.

© shubhra chaturvedi, March 10, 2011

Do we have a Choice?

Do we give up because life is unaffordable now?

Mukesh and Reena stay at the dairy near the Vasant Kunj block B-11. For their living they iron clothes. In addition Mukesh cleans the cars early morning. They have two children, a daughter and a son and an ailing mother to look after.

I had a chance to interact with Mukesh at length and figured out his journey from village to Delhi. He has taken two rooms in the nearby dairy, for himself and his mother, paying Rs 3000/- pm as rent. He uses almost 3-4 kgs of coal for his ironing. The cost of coal these days is Rs 40/kg. He charges Rs 3 per cloth from the households and clothes like saris and bed sheets are charged at Rs 7 and Rs 10 respectively. Reena and Mukesh got their daughter admission in a renowned south delhi school, DPS, Vasant Kunj. They got through under the category of economically weaker section. They are not paying as much fees but the monetary pressure of teaching children in a good school is always there.

Having all of the above expenses and their limited means of earning, life for them is indeed tough as it is for everyone. However they do not crib, Mukesh says, “jiske pass hai wo dabayega, jisko chaihiye wo dabega” very profound statement. Mukesh and Reena are just examples. There are several such couples who have come from their villages and are surviving in the city. Each of these people has done their cost analysis. On the basis of their expenses, they charge for their services, whether it is cleaning cars, doing domestic work, ironing clothes or whatever. Whether onions come at Rs 65/kg or Rs 15/kg they have found a way to survive and so is the case for the other classes of society. The local vegetable vendor tells me that he gets up at 1 am to get his stock from the “Azadpur Mandi” and therefore whatever price he gets there he hikes it up by at least Rs 5/kg and sometimes more sells it. Though it pinches my pocket but can I blame him for his strategy? The spirit is to survive; no one can just give up because life is unaffordable.

So when Mr. Montek Singh Alhuwalia says that the rising prices show economic growth and indicate people’s buying power, I wish to ask him if he really thinks it is true. Does the common man or the not so common man have a choice? On the pretext of inflation, everyone is hiking prices and those with power are negotiating prices. It’s a war of wits, whose need is more, who will crack first.

We maybe a democracy, but it almost seems like a monarchy. Billions of rupees have been siphoned away by the ministers, corporate, bureaucrats etc on account of their corrupt deeds. Neither have the guilty been punished nor has the money been recovered. The food prices have been rising, so have the petrol prices and the government say it really cannot do much to control inflation. Mr. Prime Minister, was the one to bail the country out when the worst economic crisis had gripped us and yet he has no solutions now. I am totally amazed at the helplessness displayed by the government. Even in a country like the US, the food prices are subsidized.

I was shocked and angry and still am when I read a few days back that Rahul Gandhi thinks it’s the coalition alliance which is holding the govt back from being able to control prices, and Mr Ahluwalia says that rising prices show prosperity. These are our leaders and our policy makers and who are so far away from the ground reality.

So Mr. Ahluwalia, please check your data again, maybe you can walk to your own kitchen and find out the difference. How much was being spent on cooking a meal for you earlier and how much is being spent now. Your salary is constant (I assume) but you are in a league where you may not feel the pinch at all. Maybe you could ask your cook if he thinks that the rising prices indicate prosperity.

© Shubhra Chaturvedi, January 20, 2011

“Yeh Duniya Agar Mil Bhi Jaye To Kya Hai”

Reading the news papers off late has invoked in me this response, best described by Sahir Ludhianvi's poem(song)...

The massacre of 76 jawans; An old man hit by BMW and police leave him to die; Teenage couple murdered in the name of honor killing; AMU professor found dead... he was a homo sexual; A tennis star player plans to get married and the world is intruding in her privacy... and many endless such stories...

Lives of everyone around is complicated... someone is seeking love, someone is running from love, someone is seek job, someone is running from it... some crave for children some others hate children... some could give anything for a meal and some others just get up from the table full of food and walk off...

Rich or poor, young or old, man or woman.... all just about all... make me feel...

“Yeh Duniya Agar Mil Bhi Jaye To Kya Hai”

Yeh Mehlon,Yeh Takhton,Yeh Taajon Ki Duniya,

Yeh Insaan Key Dushman Samaajon Ki Duniya,

Yeh Doulat Key Bhookhey Riwajon Ki Duniya,

Yeh Duniya Agar Mil Bhi Jaye To Kya Hai.

Har Ek Jism Ghayal, Har Ek Rooh Pyaasi,

Nigahon Mein Uljhan, Dilon Mein Udaasi,

Yeh Duniya Hai Ya Aalam-e-Badhawasi,

Yeh Duniya Agar Mil Bhi Jaye To Kya Hai.

Yahaan Eik Khilona Hai Insaan Ki Hasti,

Yeh Basti Hai Murda Paraston Ki Basti,

Yahaan To Jeevan Sey Hai Maut Sasti,

Yeh Duniya Agar Mil Bhi Jaye To Kya Hai.

Jawaani Bhatakti Hai Badkaar Ban Kar,

Jawaan Jism Sajtey Hein Bazaar Ban Kar,

Yahaan Pyaar Hota Hai Byopaar Ban Kar,

Yeh Duniya Agar Mil Bhi Jaye To Kya Hai.

Yeh Duniya Jahaan Aadmi Kuch Nahi Hai,

Wafa Kuch Nahi, Dosti Kuch Nahi Hai,

Yahaan Pyaar Ki Qadr Hi Kuch Nahi Hai,

Yeh Duniya Agar Mil Bhi Jaye To Kya Hai.

Jala Do Isey, Phoonk Dalo Yeh Duniya.

Mere Saamne Se Hata Lo Yeh Duniya,

Tumhari Hai Tum Hi Sambhalo Yeh Duniya,

Yeh Duniya Agar Mil Bhi Jaye To Kya Hai?

[Movie-Pyaasa(1957), Music-Sachin Dev Burman, Lyrics-Saahir Ludhiyanavi, Singer-Mohhamad Rafi... In the movie the song was visualised as the ultimate achivement of the all time loser, the ragged Poet,the drunkard shunned by society,left by girlfriend,despised by his clan suddenly gets everything he ever strived for. This was the moment when he looks down at all the people he had ever known and sees only one face which didn’t have Greed and really loved him, ‘the Prostitute’ and then he curses the Society in his own poetic manner as S.D Burman’s tunes pierce your heart and you experience the same pain as ‘Vijay’ and you spill you heart out in the immortal voice Of Mohammad Rafi and leave all the artificial things which consumed you.]

shubhra

9th April, 2010

20 years ago

Yesterday was valentines day. These days there is so much hype about the day that it gets on to your nerves. You switch on the radio, its valentines day, switch on the TV its valentines day and more over even news is made of valentines day... This wasn't the case then when we were growing up. I would like to share a story of 20 years back...

I studied in a convent and I had sisters for siblings so had no interaction with growing boys of my age. When I left the convent and went to a public school with co-education system, it was a different world for me. 6 months into new school and I met this cute and good looking dude from another class. Shy as we were, we both got interacting with each other through our common friends. It was fun, I had never before experienced what it is like having young boys as your friends. Time went by and though we did not say anything but we were hooked on to each other.

Come February and the friends went buzzing in the class who will get valentine days cards and who will not. I had no clue what this talk was all about. Never before had I heard about this word. I did not know its meaning and I was totally clueless. This boyfriend of mine had already planned for the day for me and must have shared the same with his friends. My friends knew I was not planning on similar lines and they were worried that if I do not give my bf a card he would feel heart broken. They decided amongst themselves to sort this out. So one of them approached me and said "have u bought a valentine day card for Abhishek?" (name changed to protect the identity of the bf). "Whats a Valentines day?" I asked. "A card you give on 14th Feb to the one you love. You will get it in your regular card shop".

I did not know what to do. I did not know if this was to be done or this was a prank played on me. I had to ask someone and didn't know who to ask. So here is what I did, I went and asked a teacher friend about what is a valentines day and whether i should give this guy a card or not. How stupid of me. How the teacher must have gossiped about me and how they all must have laughed. My next issue was to get a card which was not overtly expressive and also how to get it. So I asked another common friend to do the needful for me. I got the card in the school, went to the girls toilet, wrote the card, it said, "Happy valentines day my dear friend". A safe card I thought. Met Abhishek in recess and gave him the note book with the card and got another note book from him. There in a pink envelop was my first valentines day card, it said" Happy Valentines day to the one I love" That was the first time in my life someone had said "I love you" to me. I was on the 7th heaven and had never felt anything like that before.

20 years have gone by and with each year the hype of this day has been increasing. Off late even the political parties have jumped in making this the agenda for protecting culture of the country. The simplicity of those days has gone. Never again will it be the same. I have never had a real occasion or a worthy person to celebrate the day with after that 1st experience. However even if I had a person, to celebrate it with, I would have refrained from doing anything or expressing anything. I never want to be part of the herd.

You really do not need a day to celebrate love... and even if you do the day to my mind has lost its novelty. It will never be the same again. So much for commercialization.

(C) shubhra 15th February 2010

My take on 3-Idiots

Off late watching movies in theater has been a one off thing for me. For lack of company and obviously money :) However since there was so much hype about the movie 3-Idiots and also coming from my favourite film director, I had planned that I have to watch it even if I watch it alone. Thanks to my dear photographer friend, I managed company. Despite being chuked out of one show.

3-Idiots was a good movie. An obvious hit with all student and young population and also a lesson or an eye-opener for all parents and teachers. I always analyse movies from the practical angle even if I am not suppose to. Some glaring mistakes that stood out in the movie just couldn't escape me...

1. A family whose monthly income is rs 2500 cannot afford the services of the hospitals like Fortis even in an emergency case like father almost dying and then son trying to commit suicide.

2.While through the protagonist, the director says give importance to what the heart wants... he forgets that a student like Roncho cannot stand first in the class based on current education system. The assessment and examination system does not allow students like Roncho to flourish.

3. A movie must have a happy ending so there was a change of heart for Virus... In real life that does not really happen...

I liked the movie because of its mass appeal, because of its message for those who want to dictate their children's life but what saddened me was that a movie may not be the answer... education system is such that it really won't matter how many moveis you make... In a way I came out feeling sad after the movie....

(c) shubhra 5th Jan 2010.

Random Thoughts:

Saturday, August 1, 2009: Is MJ really dead?

I woke up in the morning and switched on the radio and what do I hear, Micheal Jackson’s song, Billie Jean. MJ died in June end and ever since then each day his songs are played at least 10 times on the radio channels. All RJs and hosts describe him as the greatest music icon ever etc etc. I wish to ask these RJs if he really was great why his songs were not played to this extent earlier on when he was alive. I wonder if for listeners he has really died. His songs will keep playing on and on. He will be alive for us forever. So for whom has he really died? For the marketers; for the event managers; for his close family and friends who knew him as MJ, the person.

I have enjoyed MJ music and have grown up with it. My first music cassette was a MJ thriller and I was very sad at the tragic end he met. However this overdose of his songs and his appreciation is getting a bit too much to handle.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009: 3 hours of Rain bring the city to standstill.

As I came out in the balcony with my cup of tea and took a look at the morning paper, the headline said “69mm of rain brings the city to standstill”. The news all over told about people’s horror stories of the night gone by. I sat down and wondered I was so happy on Monday evening when it rained and so were many others. So many people had been cribbing about the heat and humidity and rain had brought cheer to all of us. However I realized that all those who were stuck in hour long jams, a night before would rather handle the heat than the rains. Neglect of the administration deprived these people from enjoying the beautiful rainy season. At least these people will not wish that it rains again. The capital city of a “to be powerful nation”, can’t sustain 3 hours of rain. So many people have written about it. The news channels and their anchors have on air gone and bashed all officials; people are talking about the preparedness for common wealth games et al. I have a slightly different view or maybe another view. In December 2008, Sheila dixit won the elections with a sweeping majority because it was perceived that she and her administration is working for the people and its city. I need to ask Ms Dixit, what we will do of the flyovers, if you can’t give us stable roads? If the roads can’t hold on to 2 hours of rain, if the drains are all blocked and the city floods, if the construction work never seems to be concluded in a fair amount of time, what good will the flyovers, expressways and BRT corridors be for the people who live here. The officials were all passing the buck but I feel as the person responsible for the city, Ms. Dixit should stand up and take the responsibility for this debacle. We deserve a better city.

We want to be able to walk on the streets and enjoy the rains and not be stuck in a jam for 5 hours..

Tuesday, July 21, 2009: Landmark Forum- Shameless Selling

I had a chance to attend a 3 hour session of Landmark Forum on Tuesday, 21^st July, 2009. What an evening it was. It left me so angry and exhausted that, I could have actually done something to someone there.

To give a background Landmark is an organization which trains and works towards imparting positive strokes to the lives of people. Very noble thought and much needed in these times of stress, competition, heart burn etc. Through this session their idea was to introduce people to landmark’s way of imparting the training, the thought process and a taste of impact it had on people who went through it. Again a very noble idea, for why would anyone register for their course till they know what it has for them.

So now you would wonder what went wrong. Well what Landmark did was, 45 mins into the programme, the trainer actually started selling the programme to the guests that were sitting and forgot about the participants who had come for their concluding session. Not only that, 10-12 people came in front and set up desks, for registration. Credit card machines were there and all arrangements were done to just take the initial money from you. They thought that 45 mins of gyan and some stories (which to my mind were planted) would be enough for people to come over and give them the registration money. Those who did not leap forward to register then became the focus of the volunteers. These volunteers went to various groups of people and subtly asked them if they were registering. If the answer was no, they would stick to them to tell them how it was necessary and what one is missing out by not registering. That was not all, when the session resumed, it was not for some more gyan, but to be further divided into groups on the basis of whether one has registered or not. We were taken to a class room and there were as many volunteers in a room as there were guests. The speaker again a volunteer, spoke about how landmark helped him and what landmark focuses on. Ironically, though Landmark proposed that everything is all about listening and communicating but the speaker himself refused to listen to anyone who appeared not convinced about landmark. At the end each volunteer was sent to each guest, so that registration would be facilitated. They were sure that now people would register. To their surprise there still were few who didn’t and what do the great Landmark volunteers do… They play on the psychology of the person, the person is induced with guilt that he is doing wrong by not registering, that this is an opportunity lost etc etc. The whole experience was so suffocating. I could have got an asthma attack if I had been forced to sit there for 10 more mins.

I have never seen more shameless attempt at marketing and selling of a behavioral training programme. They had the cheek to work on two different planes. On one hand they were helping people know what they don’t know and thus enabling them to transform their lives and on the other hand they themselves were not listening, breathing down the person’s neck to register, throwing guilt and other such emotions on the person and in all not giving any space to the person to decide. Organizational greed can make you do anything. I was aghast at all that happened that evening. I was more surprised that so many people fell for their tactics.

For me I was happy I stood my ground and I did not allow my mind to cave into their pressure tricks.

Shubhra, August 1, 2009